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I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Sunday, July 29, 2012, 10:05 PM
old poem #2
I wrote this about John when I first started to realize my feelings for him when I didn't wanna feel anything at all.
Help me, God forbid, please help me,
this is a realm to where I wanted no return.
Twisted in between myserious forearms
the most incredible part was the ache and yearn.
Familiar as it is,
I can't seem to find proof
avoiding the light outside,
admiring with optics aloof.
and there I was, all alone
faced with myself; in disdain
Even though its kind of a beautiful thing,
this happy kind of seldom pain
Mangled in her butterfly eyes,
and her flawless Saturn hair
the vitrified look in my eyes;
I can never, ever compare.
So pair my body next to this,
Evil and deceptive souls that lack light
Within my glaze it's a paradox
azure is a breathtaking sight.
Monday, July 23, 2012, 12:12 PM
Day 28 without you
And I'm starting to become violent with my possessions.
I'm tired of hearing that closure doesn't exist. It fucking does. And this shit is going to haunt me until I get some closure.
Ughhhh
Sunday, July 22, 2012, 8:21 AM
Waking up next to you was indescribable.
Sunday, July 15, 2012, 12:20 AM
old poem #1
[if I remember correctly, I wrote this about Noel a number of years back when I realized there was no chance of anything happening between us. There's a lot of irony in this, because I don't have any romantic feelings for Noel whatsoever anymore lol. and I never thought I wouldn't.]
Find a way to forgive me, because this serenade will never end.
No matter what words you put in my head, my heart will twist and it will bend.
You couldn't stand it anymore, and I couldn't get enough.
Every day I saw it further in, every day you made it so tough.
You'll never read my poems, and you'll throw away my notes.
I won't be looking forward to your future loves and your future gloats.
You gave your heart to me, and you abruptly took it back.
You ripped it out of my hands, before I could realize what I lack.
Please forgive me, but I will never stop singing for you.
No matter what I tell myself, what my heart says remains true.
Whether you beat me to a pulp, or you leave me in the dust,
I remain as such, I am a metal that won't rust.
And when the sparrow is singing of sorrow,
the crow is singing of tomorrow,
When you're long gone, when you leave a million miles away,
I'll remain here, I doubt that I will ever go astray.
You left me with nothing, you left me out at sea,
But you see me as foolish, so you'll never understand my plea.
So if you're going to insult me, please don't keep me,
but at the same time, please don't leave me,
You're just a metaphor, you're jumbled up thoughts,
I'm never going to get out of this maze, I'll always be lost.
Friday, July 6, 2012, 12:27 PM
I'm really tired of being sad.
But it's not within my control.
, 1:57 AM
"What reason do you have to be so tragically depressed?"
A question I had never even asked myself.
And as I suspected I didn't really have an answer. Why am I so depressed?
Have you ever looked into someones eyes? Not just looking at their eyes, but really looking into their eyes. Staring into their deepest thoughts and feelings. Do you know what it's like to get lost in someone's eyes? To find passion in them, and just get sucked in. Have you ever stared into someone's eyes for hours? It feels like they're speaking to you and consoling you and no words are even being said. No words are required because eyes don't lie.. that's why it's impossible for me to believe this is happening.
Monday, July 2, 2012, 9:06 PM
The reflection must get clearer
Today Bo finally got it in his head that we're done. It makes me feel bad but it was inevitable. I've been with him since I was 15, there's no way that could have lasted forever, especially when he was only my second boyfriend.
Now I'm really on my own.
I wanna be likeable. I wanna be wanted. I wanna be graceful. I wanna be and feel attractive. I wanna be social. I really just want to change everything about myself. I need to stop letting assholes like Cody use me. I need to learn to stick up for myself and I need to learn to tell people how it is and give no fucks. I've got to toughen up or I'll be nothing but a toy to people forever. :I
Today I messaged Cody, and like the coward he is, he didn't message back. I know I'm better off without him and I don't need that shit. but it hurts. It sucks to wake up alone when normally he would be here, and it sucks without him because he made me feel so important. I really miss his companionship, we were best friends almost immediately. I should have seen that shit coming. I've just gotta stop caring what people think of me, and I've gotta stop getting so attached to people.
... but I'm lonely.
