Sunday, September 23, 2012, 11:09 PM
This is silly and dumb but I miss having a man. One-sided love is no fun.
Friday, September 21, 2012, 12:38 PM
I keep teetering back and forth between happy and sad. I don't know who to trust, and who not to trust. The people that tell me I can trust them end up disappearing from my life, and the people whom others tell me not to trust stay around more often, despite how much they hurt me or cause me problems. I'm really at a standstill when it comes to friends.
My dad is doing better in the hospital but we're financially ruined. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get out on my own now. I'll probably have to join the military, or something.
Everything is just going downhill right now. All I can do is help out and hope for a miracle.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012, 9:40 PM
This has been weighing on my chest for some time now
When I first started talking to you I didn't really think much of you. I thought you were just a pretentious ass like every other guy, but you were intelligent and intriguing so I gave you a chance which was unlike me. In your Facebook photos I thought you were a little goofy looking. However something still drove me to hang out with you. When I first saw you, I took back what I thought about you being goofy looking. You were the most handsome thing I had ever laid eyes on. Your almost black hair contrasted with your bright green eyes and dark skin. You had a smile that made me melt and your warm voice, enticing scent and gentlemanliness was enough to win me over almost immediately, and I was drawn to you. However aesthetic at first, after hanging out with you a few times I had the lingering feeling that you were going to be important in my life.
As I got to know you more, I realized how poorly people treat you. Your family, your friends, even your brother. This feeling of wanting to change that washed over me. I wanted to be close to you, and show you kindness and understanding so that maybe I could show you that there's more to the world than hatred. You acted like a dick a lot, and you hurt peoples' feelings a lot without realizing it. I assumed you only did this because of the way you have always been treated. I put up with the things you did that upset me because I wanted to try to bring some light to your life. I had never really been drawn to someone like I was to you, but I didn't want to acknowledge it so I shoved it to the back of my mind.
When I became single and the chance was there I got scared. I was afraid people would judge me and I wanted to wait awhile. Then I made the mistake of hanging out with Cody. I'm not going to go into that, though.
My feelings for you have gotten out of hand. After those long two months, seeing your azure eyes again instilled an anxiety in me that I can't seem to shake. I regret everything and I've wasted so much time. You're leaving in two months and I've done nothing but cause you drama and mess up. I'll never be able to make it up to you.
I'm sorry. As I told you, I would only realize this once it was too late.
Monday, September 17, 2012, 10:11 PM
I think I just need a good, long cry.
Sunday, September 16, 2012, 1:43 PM
I don't think I've ever truly meant the words "I love you" until last night.
Thursday, September 13, 2012, 8:44 PM
Ladeda
I'm currently waiting on Kari to get here :)))
This is going to be an amazing fucking weekend. I'm stoked.
Sunday, September 9, 2012, 4:58 PM
Weird
I've never felt anything for anyone that's quite like what I feel for John.
Why? -________-
Saturday, September 8, 2012, 10:17 PM
While I'm waiting on a download....
Lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my life, and I've realized how many things I have taught myself. I taught myself to draw, I taught myself how to make AMVs, I taught myself how to code HTML and [some] CSS, I taught myself how to use Photoshop, I taught myself how to use Flash, I taught myself how to play piano, and now I'm downloading Fruity Loops so I can teach myself how to make music with my computer. I know those aren't really the greatest accomplishments in the world, but it makes me feel pretty proud of myself. :3
, 7:39 PM
Looks like tonight is be an asshole night.
, 12:35 AM
I never get tired of looking at this face
Thursday, September 6, 2012, 11:51 PM
Today was hectic but
new friends are awesome. :3
Wednesday, September 5, 2012, 10:29 PM
Don't know what to think
People tell me one thing and then do the opposite. People always accuse me of doing things that I didn't do. I feel like all of the people that used to be my "friends" are mad at me now. None of them talk to me, or acknowledge me in a positive way when I try to talk to them, or try to hang out with me like they used to. I dunno what I did or if it even has anything to do with me, but whatever the reason, it's probably juvenile.
I told John the truth about everything and he forgave me. Do you know how happy that makes me? That John, a "typical pretentious asshole" in the eyes of everyone, can forgive me. We decided to start over and not worry about dating or anything. It's a nice feeling. It's nice that there are still people out there who can be a true friend. :) I really care about John, so I'm glad I didn't lose him in the end.
I'm trying to keep a more positive, calm mindset. I'm going to try to not let peoples' words get to me. I've been really bitter and angry lately, and it isn't working, so I'm gonna try to start being more humble about everything. No more angry posts, no more assumptions, just riding the wave of life and seeing where it takes me as long as I try to keep everything steady in my life. I've had enough of drama and it's time to put it to rest.
I found out that the Hobby Lobby next to my house is hiring full time for $13 an hour. I'd really love to get that job. I'm going to apply there as soon as we finally get a car.... but I'm not going to go into our bad financial situation right now.
Life was plummeting into the deep end, and now that I've gotten through the worst of it, time to start ascending back up to happiness :)
Sunday, September 2, 2012, 7:46 PM
My tolerance for people
.... is at an all time low.
Maybe this is something I say a lot. I don't really even know anymore. Apparently I do and say all these terribly annoying things that gets on peoples' nerves. To be completely honest it is going right over my head. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But I always repel people out of my life. Always. It's absolutely inevitable and it has happened with every person I've ever come in contact with. What baffles me is, if I'm so annoying why don't people tell me what is wrong? Why do they post subliminal things that are directed towards me but not say anything to my face? I can't fix myself unless I know what's wrong with me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just imagining things. Maybe I'm going crazy. I don't really know. But it looks like people are creeping their way out of my life... and I really don't know why.
I know I complain a lot. I know I'm quiet and awkward. I don't socialize and it can make people uncomfortable or feel like I am unfriendly. I've come to terms with this. I know I make big deals out of small things. I know I let my emotions get the best of me. I know I'm paranoid, I know I'm accusatory, I know I'm irrational most of the time. It's hard to change. Especially when everyone is in a rush to get rid of you. I think I'm just going to start keeping my mouth shut altogether. I really think I'm going crazy. The stress is getting to me.
I need my best friend