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I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Wednesday, June 27, 2012, 5:01 PM
I wish it was all a dream
I wish I could wake up with my heart racing, in a pool of sweat, with that sudden sigh of relief that it was only a dream. That you didn't use me, that I wasn't such a fool, that I didn't get stuck in this rut in the first place. I wish I could see your car pull up to my house and I could tell you about the fucked up dream I had, and you'd laugh and tell me, "That shit cray."
Things between you and I will never be the same. I can't even look at you the same anymore. Did I really make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? You haven't talked to me in over a good 48 hours and I don't think I'll ever hear from you again. This is really fucked up and ironic, because in school when you used to act like you liked me, you'd always ask me about John. You'd always give me advice and you'd say, "John's an asshole. You deserve way better."
Then you used me like an old dishrag.
What a perfect ending to this piece of shit story.
Monday, June 25, 2012, 12:19 PM
why?
At this time, I'm counting all the reasons I should stay. I remember not being able to stop smiling. The dying smell of peanuts and beer and weed was surrounding us. It was just that moment, there, never ending. Everyone was drunk and laughing and even though I never knew any of them, it was like I've known them forever. All of a sudden, we were alone. All of a sudden I was looking into your eyes and I barely knew you. You were drunk and high, maybe that's why you thought I meant something to you.
The green eyes that sucked me in trapped me. Helpless, I couldn't find a way out. I was momentarily content with things that way. When I thought that things would never change, I saw a hand reach out to me. Without thinking, I grabbed it, and was pulled out. As I was being dragged away, I took another look at the green eyes and saw but one emotion: lust. It was then I knew that I couldn't depend on anyone to care about me.
I found myself looking into brown eyes this time. So close to them but I wasn't being sucked in. I'm not sure what that means. The look that they gave me.... it was so captivating that I didn't want to go in. I wanted to stay out here, wondering what words were behind them, what thoughts were behind them, what dreams were behind them.... Why were they so full of passion?
or was it lust?
Slowly, I began to see the brown eyes less and less. Maybe I should have jumped in when I had the opportunity. I had never felt so loved or appreciated. Not in a very long time, anyways. and then all of a sudden, I didn't see them at all. It was just me, alone.
Now I'm missing all the things I gave away. However, it's probably best this way, because no matter what the situation, I'm just a rebound, a joke, a game; people settle for me when they know they can't get much better. You're such a fool, things between you two will never be the same again. Why is it worth throwing everyone away? Was it worth throwing me away? You barely knew me, so it probably doesn't affect you at all.
You're exactly like me. We are the same, that's something that I've never been able to find in anybody, and you're just leaving me in the dust like this. Face down and shameful. You didn't even say a word to me. Now I'm left waiting and wondering, "What went wrong?" It only lasted two weeks, but it was like a lifetime. Now that I look back on it I took it all for granted. But regardless, more than anything, I'm fucking confused. Why? why did you do this? What the fuck did I do wrong?
Will you just tell me?
Sunday, June 24, 2012, 12:07 AM
It hurts so much
The passion in your eyes was for her. You saw her in me. You're using me as a sponge, to soak up the blood seeping from your broken heart. One day you woke up and realized I'm not her.
Nights were once spent looking in your eyes until they drooped with fatigue. You'd walk out the door with birds chirping and the brisk outline of the sun on the horizon. You'd look at me in that way that kills me and I'd watch you walk to your car. You were looking at me that way because you were looking for her... weren't you? I hope you find it, cause I could not find it in me.
You only speak real words to me when you're so high. Even then I don't know if what you're saying is true or false. Then you disappear for days.... never to speak a word of it again. Are you suffering? Are you ashamed?
What did I do wrong?
Why am I never good enough?
It hurts.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012, 10:02 PM
I don't need this
All I ever hear about is hot chicks this, porn that, like seriously I don't give a fuck. I cared about that shit when I was like 13, when are you going to grow up? I'm trying to show you what's important but you're like a brick wall. How can you be so beautiful but so irritating and puerile? Sometimes I feel like you're just putting on an act. I'm almost always frustrated with you but the second I look into your eyes my knees become jelly and it dispels all anger I had at all. I don't really know what's wrong with me, but I need to get over it and stop being so afraid of you.
I'd write more but I'm at a loss for words. I've never been so confused or lost before.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012, 1:13 AM
This shit sucks
I've changed so much since school ended. Now I know why all the graduates felt like they were on a different level of thinking than those who were still in high school so soon after they graduated. I used to criticize them but now I understand. I just turned 18 yesterday [or, technically 2 days ago since it's 3 am on Tuesday.] and I can't really believe it at all. I remember being 13 and waiting for this for so long and acting like it was so far out of reach and would never happen. Now I'm here and I'm not sure what to do next.
Boys are my biggest problem right now. I've gotten myself into such fucking deep shit because I don't know how to be straight up and hurt peoples' feelings. I don't know if I still have feelings for John or not, but we agreed a long time ago that we would never be in a relationship. However now the Navy is wanting to make him wait like another half a year so I'm in some shit here and he thinks we can pull off a relationship. He doesn't really seem to know how to show affection towards anyone or anything unless he's drunk. He's also obsessed with girls, so I don't know how or if that would work. I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough and I always feel that way when I'm around him.
Katie is going to rent a house soon, and she said if she's still living there by the time I get a car I can move in with her. YES. It will probably take a couple of years because no way in hell am I prepared to be on my own yet, but I like knowing that I have options. It's sad that Katie and I will both be on our own before Stacey. I already have a financial advantage over Stacey, I have $390 put up in the bank and all she has to her name is the money that sits in her iHop apron. Oh my goodness gracious.
There's something about John that I can't get over. He's just so suave and nice smelling and attractive and his laugh is so great and it makes me wanna huggle him all the time. His eyes are so pretty and he gives me butterflies but at the same time I feel like I'm just a game to him sometimes, or something to turn to when he's bored. I dunno.
But what I feel worst about over all of this, is that I feel like I've outgrown Bo completely.
