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welcome
I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Friday, June 29, 2018, 3:09 PM
Bitter
It's been 10 months since I last wrote, and I was in a very bad place last time I did.
I'm in a better place nowadays. I have learned not to blame myself for everything. I have learned to let go of things I can't control. I have learned a lot in a short time. But my heart is full of melancholy for things that once were. People, places, and things. I have more self control than I once did. Me 5 years ago, or even me a year ago, would be sending bitter messages. I'm still bitter. I'm bitter because I don't understand. But I've learned to control it. I won't let it lead me astray again.
I'm bitter because they don't share the feelings I have. The times I had with certain people have been pivotal in my life. I remember not being afraid of things that would normally scare me, solely because she gave me the strength. I remember sharing music for hours and describing how it made us feel. I remember no boundaries. No limit to what you could feel or say. Sharing everything. Bonding over mutual misfortune. Bonding over good things. Bonding over anger. Just wanting to be around each other, just wanting someone to share with. I remember being destiny twins. I remember making art together. I remember being relied on, and relying on. Hanging out at 3 am just to hear each other's thoughts. Driving aimlessly, just being together. The most ineffable kind of platonic love. I think back on it and my heart fills with a confusing mixture of fondness and sadness. I remember friendships that could never measure up to anything I have now.
I also remember it ending.
I remember you telling me you "have better things to do than hang out with a couple" after we had one of the best talks we've had in years. I remember you completely cutting me off without a word. I remember you choosing drugs over everything, even me. I remember you telling me my art sucks for no reason. Everyone hurting me for no reason. Things changing without logic. Friends becoming strangers, or even worse, enemies. Wanting to be friends but being too proud to let it go. Everything souring to the point of no return.
Sometimes I don't remember it ending. Sometimes I remember it being there, and then it being gone. I remember wondering why. Why did it end? Is it fear? Is it disinterest? Do I place too much sentiment in things that weren't sentimental at all to the people I cherish so much? I'll never know. But I'll always cherish these people. I wish I had the words to describe the influence they had in my life and the way they make me feel. I wish they didn't take my love for granted. I love them all so much, even after all the hurt and betrayal I have felt. After the emptiness and confusion. I will always love them. It's a shame they don't feel the same way, but it doesn't change how I feel. I guess, more than anything, I am grateful to have these memories. Memories that taught me things and made me who I am today. They still teach me things, even people I have not seen in years... the memories I share with them teach me things about myself, about life, about everything.
Even those that hurt me, I think about you every day, and I always will. I was a sad, scared girl who didn't have much in life. I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I lacked something important. Safety. Belonging. Companionship. Albeit how short lived it was, you all gave me those things. You made me feel safe and included for the first time in my life. You set the building blocks in my life. Thanks to you, I am able to stand on my own two feet now. I am able to overcome the hurt and still be confident and care for myself. I'm able to recognize it's not my fault and stop moping. Despite how sad I am deep down, I have no regrets. Without you, I would still be that sad, scared girl. I would have never had the courage to do anything in my life. I would be without emotion. You taught me what love is, even if it was disingenuous from your end. Thank you.
I'm bitter, but I won't be led astray.
