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welcome
I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Thursday, July 21, 2016, 10:52 AM
My life consists of waiting for Friday
Amidst my blog of friend troubles and boy troubles, self-reflection and self-loathing; lately I have been dealing with a new kind of issue. My existence.
Things with Daniel are great. It's the most loving, equal, functioning relationship I've ever had. He encourages me to be happy and better myself. I have a decent job that ISN'T Firehouse, that pays me well and appreciates me. I just got a raise a few weeks ago. I am renting a duplex instead of an apartment. I lost Sora and found her again with a new appreciation for her and her health. Life is pretty decent right now. So what issue could I possibly have?
I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm weak.
I go to bed by 11pm pretty much every night, and wake up at 7am every day. No matter how much I sleep, I'm exhausted. I drag myself out of bed, fix my hair, put on makeup, brush my teeth and get dressed. I go to work where I sit in this office for 8 hours a day. I'm even at work as I type this. All of my coworkers interact with one another while I sit in the corner at the very far end of the office, by myself, all day. Not talking to anyone except the occasional meek "good morning" or "excuse me" to someone passing by. I do the same exact bills every week. My work has become so mundane and second nature, it requires little to no thinking in order to complete it. I can't focus. I pull up Facebook while I work and end up getting sucked in for half an hour. I can't resist the impulse to read comments on controversial topics. Seeing uneducated people raging and ranting makes me feel better about myself. I'll often provide a retort, but delete it promptly and feel stupid. It's a complete waste of time yet I continue to do it. I read these Facebook posts and get mad and it distracts me form my work. It makes me feel like a shitty employee but I can't stop because I just cannot focus no matter how hard I try. I look out the window at the 31st floor view and all I can think about is how in this vast universe of minerals, planets, stars, suns -- I am here, in this office, forced to revolve my life around a green piece of paper. On my lunch breaks I strive to get my food and inhale it as quickly as possible just so I can muster 20 minutes of sleep in my car, even with it being 90 degrees outside and me sweating profusely, I think it's worth risking suffocating in my car just for 20 minutes of sleep. That's how tired I am.
I live in a system where how much money I can make for a company is more valuable than my content as a human being. I wish I could go tell my boss right now, "I'm really miserable at work today. I can't focus, I feel like a robot, I feel like I need a break. I need a few days to recollect myself and remind myself I'm more than this job. I'm depressed, I need some time away." However, if I did that, it would just be used against me. Who would do my reports? Who would key my bills? I'm trapped, they wanted to give me more responsibility but now I have so much that I can't even take a day off for a dentists appointment. I also miss my friends. They don't talk to me or come hang out. All the time, I think about my old apartment, how many people used to come over every day. The swimming parties, the hookah nights, the Circles of Death, late nights walking in the snow and drawing pictures. It makes me wonder why they stopped coming.
My life consists of waiting for Friday. Then the weekend comes and I'm too tired to even do anything. I'm passing out by 11pm, just like I would on any normal weeknight. Is something wrong with me? Is this all in my head, or is it a legitimate problem? Am I just being lazy and selfish? Who even am I anymore..?
