phailer & weirdo ♥ [[ kocham cię. ]]

You are archetypal

2012-01-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

I just worked on a Macbeth project for like 5 hours, only to find out I don't have the vocabulary list, and if I don't have EVERY SINGLE ITEM my teacher is looking for, I get a 0. No partial credit.
So, that just fused with everything that's happening in my life right now and made me utterly depressed.
I can't have a friend in the world right now. I miss Chandler, he's gone and he would know exactly what to tell me right now. I don't get along with females. I can't have any male friends without them liking me, or turning into an asshole, and at that point I don't want anything to do with them. I freaking hate it. I'm tired of guys liking me. I don't get it, I get insulted every day, people say I'm ugly, plain, manly, average, etc. and yet all of these guys that I try to develop a friendship with fall in love with me.
John is such an incredible individual. But since he just realized that I love Bo and I want to continue what I have with him, it's like he doesn't want to be my friend. I'm tired of all this stupid bullcrap, people messing with my head like this. No wonder I'm so confused, and John always asks, "Why?" He asks why I wouldn't consider dating him. Maybe it's because I don't know you. What if you're trying to use me, too? I have someone that loves me, I'm not going to give that up for a pretty face.
John said, "I'll support you no matter what." He's not doing a very good job at supporting me, he constantly brings the subject up and makes me feel bad. I'm stressed out enough. I thought he was my friend. I guess he can't get past all of that stuff.

Subject change.

I've made good friends with Josh, aka "Weird Headphones Kid". He's one of the nicest people I've ever met, ever. I'm gonna be sad when I graduate, he's only a sophomore and I'll probably never see him again lol. That's how it usually goes with school friends, unfortunately.
I asked my mom not to wake me up in the morning, I hope she doesn't. I really don't wanna go to school, I've lost all motivation for any class except AP Art.
Speaking of art, I've begun drawing more lately. I love it....

Goodnight.

Off work early

2012-01-04T17:51:00.001-08:00

I only worked 4-8 today, I haven't worked that shift since I was new at Sonic. They let me off around 6. That makes me really happy, because it's been awhile since I had some free time for myself. My parents are at a basketball game which makes it even better.
Even though today was only my second day back at school I stayed home because I was too tired.... I kind of regret that, but at the same time I don't. I have really bad senioritis.

Today, John surprised me with a visit and a present, which happened to be an Adventure Time hat. :3 That was really cool, and it was good to see him again. He had to leave right after though, which was pretty lame. I just met him and he's already a really good friend and he's about to go into the Navy. :C So freaking lame. Chandler left for Air Force the other day, too. Kari's gonna be going into the military as well. It really sucks, I'm losing so many friends. At least they're happy.
On the opposite side of that, more and more people that used to be really good friends are becoming people I despise. I just seriously can't fathom how rude and stupid some of my old friends have become. I'm not gonna let some two faced egotistical maniacs fool me ever ever again. I'm tired of being framed for things I didn't do, I'm tired of being made the bad guy when I'm CLEARLY not. It's alright because the majority of my friends agree with me. It's funny because all of the people that think they're so "popular" are hated by a bunch of folks. They just have to pretend to like them to avoid drama. Sad, huh?

People have been spreading rumors about me, but that's alright. I'm used to it LOL. I don't wanna be friends with people who believe that bullcrap, anyways. High school is so lame and I'm glad I'm almost done.
All of the people that I know who have already graduated think they're so grown up. Lololol just because you work a lot and pay for stuff doesn't make you an adult. It means you are financially responsible. To be an adult you have to act like one, not a 13 year old bitch. Maturity is becoming a rarer and rarer quality in people and it's beginning to worry me.

Wow, this post is pretty negative. And do I give a fuck? Lol no. I'm so tired of hearing how much I complain. I DON'T CARE. SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET. I'm sure what I've written above is more interesting than just hearing, "My day was so great, I ate some soup and watched TV. (: then I texted my boyfriend." Face it: Negative shit is more interesting than positive trololol.

Why do people pick on me?

2011-12-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

All my life, all I try to do is be caring, honest, and decent. There are a lot of things I hate, yes. But everyone has stuff they hate. Hating stuff spurs interesting conversation and brings people together. And then people go and preach to "stop the hating". Why is this world so hypocritical?

I don't know who to call my real friends anymore. I can't confide in anyone anymore. Everyone ends up telling the whole damn world about my personal business. People are allowed to treat me like a dog but if I do the same to them, it's like I just buttraped all that is considered good. I am supposedly a self-contradictory whiny bitch, just for telling the truth.

People like to deny the truth. The truth is all I believe in. Everyone should be honest. But what's right is usually mean and hurtful, so no one likes to hear it. Everyone these days would rather hear lies than hear the disgusting truth about themselves.

Even if someone is shitty, if they can at least admit it, I have respect for them.

I'm a hypocrite, I do complain a lot, I do hate a lot more than I like. But come on, what IS there to like about this current era? It's repulsive. It's full of liars and cheaters and whores, humanity is becoming shit right before my very eyes.

On a more positive note, I've gotten some new friends. My two most prominent are Josh and John. I'm surprised I've gotten as close to Josh as I have, he used to be "weird headphones kid" but he's a really nice person. He's not afraid to embarrass himself publicly and it's so funny and I like that about him. John is a very decent guy and I was pleased as I got to know him better. He's really respectful and funny [and a very successful troll lololol]. I've also gotten on very good terms with Lyn. She's really cool to talk to, it's nice talking to a female for once. I have too many guy friends.

I've also lost some friends, and I don't want to go there.

I can't wait to see Noel again at MTAC. It's so interesting to see how we have both changed every year. I really hope he can come to my graduation, as well. It would mean the world to me. It's so great seeing him happy, after he was depressed for so long. He's happy making sushi and that makes me happy.

4 more months <3

Drying up in conversation

2011-09-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

I can't see you next year, it isn't fair. Nothing is really fair in my life anymore, my friends aren't fair, my family isn't fair, everyone fails to see my flaws and the stress I experience every day, which is usually petty stuff like loneliness.

I wonder every day why I constantly hear about the dislike other people have for me, and yet those people themselves never say anything to me. I miss your guidance, I was almost there, I was approaching cloud 9 and I was so close to understanding everything and achieving perpetual happiness.

I also wonder every day why these people at school are trying to be my friend. Since when do people want to do that? My life at school is usually spent alone. At work I've grown comfortable with quite a few people, but school has always been a struggle for me. And there's a reason beneath it all, I'll never see it because it's right under my nose.

I want to start practicing meditation, I need to look inside myself and I need to get out of this cocoon. I'm so close. but I can't do it without friends

I need you

2011-08-25T22:02:00.001-07:00

I wanna go with Bo
Hardly see his room like we used to
Go to Zack's like we used to, take an ounce or so.
Invite everyone.. except Phillip
Go upstairs... turn on some music and let everything go, have fun like we used to..
Play some Gears, let them get their fill of CoD, watch Netflix until we fall asleep..
Or if we stay awake, talk, do whatever...
Wake up at Zack's house, surrounded by my favorite boys. Do it all over again that morning.

I miss it, I miss it.

Amazing people

2011-08-22T19:27:00.001-07:00

Bo, Tyler, Zack, Chris, Chan, Kari, Cheltzie, Noel, Kseniya, Ariel, Light.

Only people that never fuck me over <3

Fuck all that shit

2011-08-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna start writing about everything in my blog now. It's not like anyone reads it besides like one or two people occasionally, anyways.

Hai I'm Amy. I smoke pot. Does it change my attitude? No. Does it make me act goofy and do dumb things? No. Does it make me cough a lot like a smoker? No. Does it make it harder for me to do physical labor/run? No. Did it perhaps benefit me? Actually, yes. It calmed me down and got rid of my constant emotional distress. It kind of helped me mature. Seeing life through what seems like completely different eyes, really changes someone. lol.

But it changed me for the better, so fuck off. Nothing really changed except I'm not psycho and overreactive anymore, isn't that kind of a good thing? You can't criticize me unless it harmed me in some way. So gtfo. Anyways..

Phillip stole something from Rocko right in front of my eyes. Right. In. Front. Of. My. Eyes. It was so obvious and I ended up being right, but Phillip is just a fucking selfish little puss. I still want to kick his ass. I could, too. Only physical practice he gets is sitting on his ass and being a lifeguard. How he stays skinny and muscular, I don't know. lol. he's never had a /real/ job.

Speaking of jobs....

Today at work my boss, Cindy, yelled out, "Which fountain is closing tonight?" I yelled back, "I am!" cause I was scheduled to work til close.. obviously lol

And she says, "Alright. Just wanted to know who I got. I'm kind of glad it's you." I felt so accomplished and happy lol. I love being liked by my bosses and coworkers. Today, I was the "senior" fountain, by Eric's words lol. All the other girls there were newbies. then, it was just me and a girl who was on her FIRST DAY. lol. I tried to teach her how to mix icecream and in the end I ended up doing it because she wouldn't take the cup or try to put the sleeve on it. So frustrating ugh.

I got my paycheck. It had 36 hours on it, and $230. I always get like $30+ of taxes taken out of my checks. Ridonkulous. Without taxes I would have made $263. But oh bby on tax return day <3

I always get Mountain Blast Powerade with raspberry in it to take home from work, but I never drink even half of it.... It's so powerful.

Holy crap

2011-08-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

Phillip Lungren is the most selfish person on this planet.

He will never be my friend.

Alone

2011-08-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

I spend nights alone all the time, doing nothing. I feel like I'm kind of wasting the night away. I wish I had more to do. I work again tomorrow, from 5-9. Then I work day shift for 2 days. On Sunday I'm hopefully going to see Bo. I haven't seen him in like 2 weeks, he's been out of town. And hopefully I'll be able to chill out and have a good time for once in my life again. Lawl.

I got a book awhile back, and I have yet to finish it. I want to, but every time I pick it up I just can't get back into it. I haven't been in the mood for anything really lately but being extremely lazy. I might go to bed early tonight, staying up late is just gonna make tomorrow worse, especially because my mom wants to make me go to my great grandmother's house. I love her, but I really wanna sleep in, too....

I guess I'll go lay down, and get tired. I might regret this tomorrow.

someone who hears

2011-07-29T18:54:00.001-07:00

Let's face it
It will always be true
No matter what
My soul will always be drawn to you
After all this time
No matter how much I fight
The vision of your face
never seems to leave my mind's sight
I don't have to have you
I figured I never would
But I want us to be close like before
as we always should be forevermore.

I won't let you down

2011-07-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

seriously...

I'm sitting here at almost 3 am... only online cause I'm talking to you. You've always been an expert at keeping me awake..

silently, but surely
you play continuously in my head.
you don't exist half the time
you exist elsewhere instead
but your azure green eyes
and your elvish frame
the way your voice plays me,
surely, I'm to blame.
I never knew you,
but I desired to know
every cell of skin,
every smile you show.
You're so aberrant and fickle
a mystery through and through,
from your shoulders to your fingertips,
It seems I never knew.
My sign is drawn to yours,
two sides of a weight,
delicately in between
a certain date.
I wish to remember
exactly what it is
about those azure green eyes
that I always seem to miss.

Support your brother, sports brother

2011-07-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sleepy....

I got back from being at Bo's yesterday. We didn't really do much but watch Fullmetal Alchemist or sleep. Tyler came over a couple of times, and we hung out with Mari and her friend one night, but besides that nothing happened. Not having Phillip and his car around is really boring. We have nothing to do. It's too hot to just hang out outside, and the pool at his apartments is really freakin' nasty...

I realized how old I'm getting, thanks to my tablet. [NOT ONE OF THESE but one of these. and actually mine looks exactly like that xD] I got it when I was 13.... 4 years ago. I was so happy and excited and it was the best thing I ever got. If it wasn't for my tablet, I wouldn't have gotten as much practice in and my art wouldn'tve blossomed like it did. But also because of my tablet, I ran out of ideas really quickly, because I drew 24/7. I don't wanna get older. I've lost my passion for drawing, [don't get me wrong, I constantly want to I just am idealess :c] I've lost a lot of my friends, I don't take pictures everywhere I go like I used to, and really everything is just lame. All I do is worry about money and work.

Speaking of work....

I finally confronted a couple of my coworkers. Cleared it up that I'm not sick like people always think, I'm not a freak, I'm not secretly a quiet time bomb waiting to explode and knife everybody. I'm just shy. Most of them said, "I don't think you're a freak. I think you do just fine." and that's all I've ever wanted to hear anyone say. In school all my life, my teachers either considered me a "genius" that just didn't try, or they thought I was sick and had some freaky dark past, and that I had issues... I was either pitied, or my expectations were set too high. All I've ever wanted to be in someones eyes in a place like school or work is just, equal to everyone else. Work is the first place that has happened. I'm starting to get more used to this.

these are things that I don't understand.

2011-07-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm really happy right now and life is great,
I can't help but wish you'd talk to me, so I could tell you all about it.
One of the first things I'm gonna do when I get used to driving is come visit you.
I hate that you live 5 hours way.
Oh well.. Worth the drive. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am now.
I hate that we dry up in conversation.
you're important in my life cause you were there through the worst.

Maybe it's astrology.... Sagittarius.

gag.

2011-07-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad Bo and I don't have a disgusting over-obsessive infatuated relationship. lol.

Now that I've gotten over the wreck [I really hope I don't have to go to court], I'll talk about my recent going-ons c:

I went to Sweetwater with Bo recently. Sweetwater is where he lived for a few years quite awhile ago. It's in east Tennessee, in a small valley. It's a tiny rural town no one's ever heard of. It was beautiful and old and I loved it. The air was so clean, it got dreadfully hot during the day [but NO humidity] and very cool at night. Almost like a desert.

When I first met him at Cordova, all he would talk about is Knoxville and Sweetwater, how he wanted to go back and how he hated Memphis for its shitty people and how all the girls are "heartbreakers". lol. I'm glad he didn't leave before he found out how awesome I am C; jkjk. I was glad to go to a place that was so important to him, with him. Chris was there too, Bo's best friend from Knoxville. I didn't take any pictures during the trip, unfortunately... I'm glad Bo's mom did that for me.

Chris stayed with Bo for a month, and after the Sweetwater trip we took him back home. It's gonna be nice having some alone time with Bo again. Anyways, the trip was fun but boring at the same time. Bo's friend bailed out on us and ignored us for 2 days after we asked him to chill with us. So, Bo and Chris got their skateboards, and I rode his aunt's old seafoam green Huffy and we went into town. Such a nice bike <3 I could have ridden it all day. It was comfortable and beautiful and I loved it. The town was amazing, it was like an old, withered, smaller version of Memphis, but it was nice. We rode everywhere, avoiding cars as we went lol. We went to a boat lot, rode around a bank, around thrift stores and gun shops. Everything was CLOSED. It's a small town, so nothing is open very often during the day... It was really weird, but there was no one to yell at us for riding around, so it was aight. c: The view of the mountains in the distance was a bonus. <3 I love his family, no arguing like with mine. Sure they all got really really drunk and bought 14 boxes of pizza, then the next morning bought TONS of Hardee's chicken/sausage/bacon biscuits, but I really like them. I didn't talk much the whole time [that's how I am], but I enjoyed myself.

Now other things....

Today I work 4-9:30, and then I'm going to Bo's. Our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow <3 we're gonna go to TCBY, and then go to the zoo with his friend Tyler and his friend Garrett. I'm NEVER getting in a car with Phillip in the drivers seat again, so Tyler's our new chauffeur ;D jk. But yeah, it'll be fun c: I love the zoo. and I love Bo. Even though he isn't awake yet..

Happy 2 Year <3

Wreck

2011-07-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got into my first car wreck. It was very very scary.

Phillip was driving. We were on our way to Germantown to see fireworks. I was in the passenger seat, Bo was behind me, next to him was John's skanky girlfriend, and then John. They were all not wearing seatbelts, only me and Phillip were. We were driving down Macon, and he was about to turn left to head northbound on Whitten. It was a yellow light on both ends, and a red VW Jetta was coming straight our way. She had the rightaway, Phillip was supposed to wait for her to pass before he turned, but he was fucking distracted [he always multitasks when he drives] and all I saw was a red car barreling towards us, Bo yelled "PHILLIP!!" and then I heard a crash, tires screeching, and another crash. We got jolted around a little bit. I wanted to start crying. Bo jumped out and ran to see if the driver was okay. Her car had spun out and hit a pole [a tiny Jetta hitting a huge Tahoe going 40 mph, of course that would happen, we hardly budged and none of us were harmed thank God] and the left side of her car was completely dented in, and the left mirror was on the trunk of the car, and the back left wheel had snagged onto the curb and looked bent. Her car was totaled. She was sitting on the grass, crying, thankfully conscious, I don't know if she had any other passengers but if so they weren't hurt. She had a bump on her head and a few scratches on her arm. She claimed to have a piece of glass stuck in her lip, but I didn't see any blood so I doubted it. She went to the hospital just to be safe [I would have, too.] she was scared and crying, but she wasn't angry, she just said "I guess we were both trying to beat the yellow light, and misjudged it." We were there for HOURS. I hope I don't have to go to court with him. His front light got knocked out, the one underneath it was hanging off the bumper, and his bumper had been knocked in and was scraping against his tire. It was undriveable. Ironically, a cop was sitting RIGHT where Phillip was about to turn and saw the whole thing, so we didn't have to call ourselves and wait half an hour for lazy Memphis police. we were lucky he was right there. Bo called an ambulance and eventually everything was worked out. Phillip was at fault, but only got a ticket. I tell ya though, it was a really scary experience. I've never been in a car wreck. I hope the girl will be okay.

I love/d you

2011-06-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

Does a love triangle exist?
I don't even know if it's really there. I'm hallucinating.
I just know I'm glad to see something other than evil in your eyes
and I'm glad to know I make someone out there happy
even though they're about to leave.

If you can change baby, I can change the world. You were a sick and vile human being, and for once in your eyes, instead of the crazies, I saw [a little bit of red] and just, you being human. You weren't stressing about girls.. you weren't worried about getting into my pants [for the first time in ever?] and I got along with you. When I was wrapped around your finger and dawdling in your existence for months at a time, we didn't even get along. It's true, you actually looked into yourself and became respectable.. and you didn't smell like shit like you used to. How happy does this all make me? Very. Maybe I can be your friend again now.

bones sinking like stones

2011-06-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

and we live in a beautiful world.

lately I've been graced with the presence of my friends in Collierville more often than not. but it's kind of awkward when your boyfriend's friend calls you sexy. lolol oh god, why does he associate himself with people like that. they may not ever make it anywhere in life but they can be good people deep down. except Phillip. that guy needs to be behind bars

I've decided to stop complaining about my friends who suck ass and just stick with the ones I have. I've finally had someone to talk to lately besides Bo [though I can't get serious with the friendship because HE has a crush on me too -___-] and it's kind of nice. but I do miss kari, momo, cheltzie, BOTH joshes i know lol, and heck, even taylor. :] and sometimes I wish I could be closer to acquaintances I have. <3

I've been trying to get a new phone for a few days now. :[ my dad promised me I could get it on friday, and I still haven't gotten it, and I can't do it without him cause the online account is in his name. *sigh* i want my phone. :C I can't wait to have a nice phone.... and I earned it myself.

I'll write more later

Summer

2011-05-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm officially done with Cordova.

yessssssssssssssssss

Work is all I have to do right now besides sit around. Considering all of my friends [who formerly told me they wanted to rekindle their friendships with me] are pieces of shit who don't know how to hold onto their word. I'll spend this summer making new friends. Fuck all those fake ass people who I wasted years on only to have my back stabbed in the end. :} I'm done being so nice and caring, if I'm pissed at someone, I'll let them know. And if someone doesn't like me that'll be their problem.

Goal for the summer: Dig into myself and find some personality.

Wish me luck? <3

I hate Sonic.

2011-05-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

You guys were new once too.

It has hardly been a month since I started working there, and they already expect me to be on the same level as them. It's my FIRST JOB. All of them have been working there for 3+ years so they know what they're doing. But Troy is going to hire 25 new people soon. So what's going to happen when all my coworkers start treating all the other newbies like shit? They're going to want to QUIT. It's ridiculous how they act. One time, I forgot to charge someone for cheese. 50 fucking cents. and they're like, "Wow Amy. Wow." and act like I just screwed up the whole business and made them lose all their money. It's hard to remember a stupid order board thingy with like 240+ buttons and 4893572893489 exceptions and 9823472875 possibilities to EVERY. SINGLE. ORDER. when you've only been working there for a total sum of hours of maybe like, 3 DAYS????? I get most of my orders right. like 98%. But if I get ONE messed up even a TINY bit, they flip out. I bust my ass trying to help them out and at least I don't do NOTHING. but none of it good enough for them. I don't fucking know everything yet.

Fuck. Cut me some SLACK.

it was a funny little thing

2011-05-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

mondays, I've really grown to hate them. I usually have work [and I did today] and school is so exasperating.

today, my coworker asked me, "why are you so quiet? Are you always this quiet?" it made me realize how afraid I am of being social towards people I don't know. I'm awkward and I always end up embarrassing myself. My first impression on people usually isn't a good one. I wish I could be as open to people in person than I can behind this stupid keyboard. I have so much to say but none of it ever comes out. It's kind of always been this way for me. Oh well, I'm just shy. there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm becoming closer to people I hate lately and drifting from those I love. Why is this happening? I don't know. But it kind of bothers me sometimes. I miss having a best friend so much, I miss having someone to talk to all day and someone to make it feel like it's all worth getting up in the morning. I'm so lethargic lately. Having a job has made me grow up faster than I wanted to. [momo, your blog helped me realize that X_X] I don't know why friendships become so difficult with age and time.

Time to go eat a quesadilla.

lolol

2011-04-27T17:25:00.002-07:00

found a way to MTAC next year.

problem, kari's dad?

I'm walking away

2011-04-24T20:32:00.000-07:00

I knew that I would.
I want to be missed
by somebody good.

MTAC was terrible. I've never felt such bad anxiety in my life. I've never felt so down in such an up place. I've never needed a friend as badly as I did then. I've never been so intent on your face or eyes or the way you smiled at me.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not "crushing" on you. You're just very very meaningful to me and I cherish the small amount of hours I get to see you. My hairs stand on end and I glow and I smile like a child. We get so excited and then comes the awkward sadness that is the reality that we have drifted apart. Talking to you is still such a dream and....

You drive me insane. Stop it. Come be my best friend again.

falling slowly

2011-04-20T18:11:00.001-07:00

you.

you're the base at the pyramid of who I am. you gave me my brain and my knowledge, you presented me with what was logical and illogical, that I should accept others for who they are and let everyone go on their way performing as they please to. you taught me to be smart, without you I'd still be close minded and stupid and closing myself off from everyone that "misunderstood" me. you taught me to smile and appreciate a day and what I have. you taught me to read people and their emotions. you taught me to be strong and tough it out and you taught me that in the end there is always a reason to keep fighting.

you're such a pure human being, you give off a sense of lightness and wisdom and you're just like a legend. I used to love you more than I could ever love this planet. those times aren't around anymore and what I feel for you isn't romantic love anymore but youre still so dear to me. you know how to be honest and you know the ways of the ugly world and it's people and you still end up being able to make a witty comment in the end, even when faced with misery. that day in the hallway when we were just sharing each other's company was like a dream, i don't think i'll ever feel that sheer need again.

i've come to the closure that there may be a door there, i don't mind. but i'll still always wonder what if.

just wanted you to know you're my best friend.

Thoughts that have changed

2011-04-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

In some ways my impulses have changed but I'm still me... deep down? Or, I want to be.

People are beginning to hate me for growing up. I've become more liberal, more strict about what I believe in. I'll argue and argue to get my point across. But if I state my opinion ONCE to someone, usually they get so appalled, so offended. Then I just think, wait, you speak your opinion 24/7 and you completely shun everyone else's, so aren't you just being a plain hypocrite? I don't tell you to shut the fuck up and call you annoying just because you disagree with me.... Learn to agree to disagree.

Art is probably the one thing I miss most. It was my escape, my place. Now I never even finish a picture. I've lost a lot of my knowledge for it and have also just simply lost motivation. Maybe it's my stress. I don't even really have any reason to stress lately. Life is decent, I have money, a job [as of Mar. 11, 2011 :'3] but all I think about is my friends. I think about my past and think of ways to get the same people to like me again somehow. Maybe they don't dislike me, maybe they just don't talk to me.

I don't know.

But I care way too much. I'm seeing the world for how it really is now. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm behaving differently because of it.

I've lost every other bit of my past. My love for art. My passion for photography. My carefree bliss. My own little bubble. I just can't lose those that I once called my best friends.

I don't even remember what it's like to have one.

Hatred

2011-02-27T18:12:00.000-08:00

None of my friends who were there for me in the past are really here much anymore. I never get to rant so my feelings are bottled in. I need to let them out. Perfect place to do that... blogger.

I've been waiting until I first came to concept with reality and how dysfunctional my family really is to get out of this house. I've been waiting for a safe haven, an excuse to get out. When I finally fell in love, I developed a second life. I have friends in Collierville, people enjoy my company, and they actually fucking go through with their word when they say they want to hang out. They understand me, I understand them. There's never any drama with them and they are just simple but they understand what's important. They may snort bath salt and smoke incense but they have more sense and heart than every person at Cordova combined. They're not backstabbers, they don't talk shit about everybody, they just let their enemies know they're enemies, and let their friends know they're friends. It's like a completely different world there, when I first come back from the beginning of Houston Levee coming towards the wretched and all-infamous Cordova, I feel a looming despair. I know that all I'm surrounded by is backstabbing, lying, flauging, unintelligent people. I need to be there, not here. I need to be out of here before my heart collapses. I'm fighting everything in me not to get myself expelled just so I can at least leave the school. People always ask me, "Why do you hate it so much? It's just a school." I hate it because everyone there is fake. Everyone there talks shit about their friends behind their back, everyone there judges everybody by beauty and opinion. No one can agree to disagree, like they can in Collierville. I've never argued with my friends there. But I argue almost every day with someone at Cordova about SOMEthing. Everyone there is on fucking crack I swear to god. They're all low life scum and I hate the majority of them. I get judged for every fucking thing I do. If I get in a fight with a friend, everyone fucking expects me to drop my friendship with them, and if I don't, I'm "two-faced". It's called "forgiveness". Even my own friends talk about me. I almost can't tolerate my friends from there anymore either. Cordova is becoming a smaller and smaller part of my life, along with everyone in it. I go there simply because I am required by law. No other reason anymore. After this year.. these last 80 some odd days.. I'm never fucking going into that school again unless it's to say "FUCK YOU ALL, I'M DONE WITH YOU. GOING TO LIVE A GOOD, HONEST LIFE, WITH GOOD, HONEST PEOPLE." The SECOND I get enough money to move I'm moving. Out of Cordova. I abhor this place, I abhor the school, I despise most of the people. People say I only feel this way because my boyfriend lives in Collierville. Even if he didn't, I would. Because it's calmer. Safer. And nicer looking. Nicer people. Every memory [almost] that I have in this town is full of hell, shit, and drama. I've been constantly judged here and I never fit in. But no more. I'm done lying to my friends just so they won't get mad at me. I want friends who accept the fucking shit I do. Because everything I do, I have a reason for. No one knows the bullshit I've been through.

To all you fuckers at Cordova:

I'm going to rise above you. Fuck you all and your close-minded ways. I'll never forget you.. but that's a good thing. Now I know the WRONG ways to act. You all act like I'm the fucking devil for smoking sometimes. But guess what? At least I don't fucking talk shit about someone, then pretend to like them, at least I own up to my shit, at least I don't test my friends, at least I can accept one for who one is.

Fuck. You. All. Your shitty attitudes ruined my life, and I wish you all a wonderful fucking life. :) Now you know why I hate you, Cordova High School.

BURN IN HELL.

Love forever and ever,

Amy

I need to stop neglecting you, Blogger.

2011-01-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

I've become nostalgic lately, so I've explored my past. I decided to make a post about people I wish I could say things to, but can't.

Ryan

You told me, "I hope your life is hell." You hated me for lying to you, I never understood why until I was lied to myself. Even though I was 12, I lied about being 16, you were 17, I guess I can understand your anger, that must be an awkward position to be in. When I was in Illinois I wondered if we'd cross paths. We used to say we'd meet, fall in love, and be blissful together for along time. How stupid I was. And how stupid you were for believing me, and always listening to your mom even though you were practically a grown man. After all, you never would have dumped me if your mommy didn't tell you to. What kind of guy runs to his mom saying, "I have an online girlfriend!! l0l!!!" Anyways. I wish I could blow up all the crap I've gone through since you wished eternal misery on me, which, you got your wish, I finally got over my depression in 9th grade, but nonetheless, 2 and a half years is a long time to constantly be sad. Screw you, "Optimal". At least you put me through the shit I needed to be who I am now.... dick.

Zachariah

I still call you dead, even though you never existed. Jo took a great, great, GREAT friend from me. I wish she had told me from the start she was faking it. I cared about you a lot, I actually worried about you, cried when you "committed suicide", me and my friends even mourned you. I can't find you anywhere, even though you're really Jo. Which, I can't find her, either. I miss you, Zach, I can't believe you lied about such serious things, but, you'll always be one of my best friends. If only I could find Tommie; he'd tell me where you are, even though you ripped his heart into thousands of pieces. You were funny, smart, a little graphic in your sex talk, but you were awesome. I hope I can speak to you again one day. I wish I could just hear one day, that you really existed. I wish it was all a lie. I love you Zach.

Melissa

I saved you for last. There's a lot of people that don't know about you. There's a lot of people that know you as "Mitchell". I could talk to you if I wanted. Your Facebook is right there, you're right there, I could message you whenever I wanted. I'd message Ryan, or Jo in a heartbeat. But you, I'm scared to message you. I devoted 11 months to you, yet you live in Winnipeg. I gave you hell, I was so ready to tell you everything, let you know everything about me, but you were scared of me. Wary of me. I still don't know if you really cared, or if you were just crazy. My relationship with you was really, really unlike any other I ever had. I cared about you to the point where it was sickening, and you were always gone. I'd talk to you maybe like, 10 minutes a month, and yet we used to talk every second of every day. I always got angry with you. You were a little kooky in the head. You kept my heart pounding at all times and you kept my head racing with questions. You kept me confused. You jumbled me up so much, it took years for me to recover, even after we quit talking. I think I miss you most though, Melmel.

Five Months

2010-08-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

It's been five months since I've made a post. Wow. That's insane. I feel like I've neglected Blogger. lmao. Nothing much has been going on, I started my junior year in high school and things are running pretty smoothly. I'm keeping my organization, trying to remember things with a planner. It's kind of difficult but I'm doing my best. I'm looking for a job lately, not many options though. I applied at Schnucks and never got a call back. *shrug* oh well. Bo's finally being straightforward with me, I'm on a good sleep schedule, I'm trying to be positive and not stress myself so much. Really the only thing lately I worry about anymore is not being pretty enough >~< it's a dumb thing to worry about. Haha oh well. I'm just being stupid. I'm hoping to change my perspective, my attitude, my life, my course. I'm hoping to make everything better, better myself, and better my life so I don't live out my high school years in misery and worry like I did my middle school years. It'll take some work but I will get it done.

After all, just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.

miércoles.

2010-03-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

esta semana es muy mal. estoy cansada, triste, y mal generalmente.... ¿por qué es cada día de esta manera últimamente? no sé esto. yo no gustaría esto. no me importa. tengo una mala semana. una día cada semana. no me importa. o, que me importa, pero que es familiar. mi hermana es la puta. mi papá es estupido. ¿adónde ir aquí? yo gustaría herir donde más duele. yo duele más que vosotros. yo duele más que tú. yo duele, generalmente. estoy cansada de duele. estoy cansada, generalmente....

de todos modos.... mi novio es enfermo. es triste. lo siento mucho, pero no te puedo ayudar. y, mi familia es agobiante. demasiada luchas, con mi familia y con mi novio también. no se verdadero luchas, pero todavía, muy agobiante. ay, qué pena.

yo necesito dormir.

adiós.

Instinctive defenses.

2010-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Today, my animal instincts for defense came in handy > :3

I will never understand cheating. Or being boy/girl crazy. I've never been there so I wouldn't know. Even in my early days of puberty I still wasn't boy crazy. I had a lot of crushes, but not because of looks. I wanted to be loved, even at an early age. It's weird. I'm not saying I'm "smart" or "perceived more" when I was little, I just.. wasn't interested in anything like that, ever. I'm not a normal teenager, I know. XD

Anyways. This bitch Dakota who has [or, HAD now, thanks to Bo ^_^] a boyfriend named Alec, and just screwed him the other day, tells Bo she wants to cheat on Alec. And Bo's just like, "Okay." Dakota says, "You don't wanna ask any more questions?" he says, "Do you want me to?" and of course, she does. So he asks who. She says "Too many to name." And so Bo asks if he's one of them, considering that's basically what she was hinting at. [Whoever wouldn't catch that hint is stupid.] She says yes. Bo immediately tells me. She keeps telling him "they won't find out" blah blah blah. Bo tells Alec. Alec dumps her, and she gets all angry at Bo, goes to Alec's house and begs him, but it don't work and he kicks that bitch outta the picture. We win, yay! Then I text her and tell her off. :D

I hate cheating bitches. Seriously. I hate cheating ANYBODY. Bitches or bruhs. You all need to get a life.... seriously. People think it's so cool to cheat, but since when is harming others, keeping secrets, and lying, anything cool? It just shows you're a pussy and can't handle being faithful.

Besides that, nothing's been going on. I'm hoping not to worry from now on but I'm not gonna brag and jinx it. I've had a few encounters with people I hate but I think they're gone. I've been thinking about the past a lot. But it's nothing important now. Everyone takes a trip down memory lane every once in awhile.

Things in the past that ruined who I am today, I'm starting to forget. I've handled situations today in which I had to turn back on it and look at it. I don't know why I handled things the way I did back then. I was jealous, controlling, and insecure. [Well, I had a reason to be.] That side of me almost came back out again today. But I didn't let it. If I'm going to improve myself and make the people around me more comfortable with who I am so I can be at ease, I've gotta get over all that. I'm trying to work on myself. but right now I just wanna relax and enjoy the time I have not being stressed. Okay, well, I am stressed, about school, but that's not my fault, our teachers just can't do their fucking job.

That is all for now. Time to go get some chips :DD

extreme downtime.

2010-02-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

I hate routine.

And it's all my life has had lately.

Since I started the 10th grade, my life has hit the biggest downpoint I've ever had. I don't talk to anyone online cause I'm always asleep or watching TV. I talk to my boyfriend on the phone but not much. I text, but I'm getting bored of that too because I always text the same people. I don't even draw hardly ever anymore. I don't see anyone. I go to school all week, do the same exact thing in every class every day, and then at the end of the week, I see Bo, spend a day alone, then repeat. I see Bo more than I see my friends [outside of school that is]. And I see Bo once a week. That's sad. Why don't my friends want anything to do with me?

I need a car, I need to drive, I need to get out of here. Sitting here constantly revolving my life around things that haven't even happened yet isn't a very good way to live as a teenager. My life is SO boring right now. and now, Bo isn't even gonna call me I think -_- Wonderful.

Nothing else to write about really....

pointless rant.

2010-02-02T18:25:00.001-08:00

I just read an article, on social rejection.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20100202/sc_livescience/studiesrevealwhykidsgetbulliedandrejected

It made me think about what I've been going through since I started middle school, which was a good 5 years ago, and when people started learning how to judge, pick, and reject.

I never did anything to become a social reject. But I'm sortof one. All of these people at school, treat me like I'm their BFFL and hug me and say hi to me. But they want nothing to do with me outside of school. Even those CLOSEST to me, want absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't understand. I've gone through pain and suffering and fights and arguing with my family to maintain the friends I have and the people I'm with and they take me for granted because they know I'm weak, and will do anything to keep them around, even believe their lies. [this isn't directed to anyone specific btw.] You all judge me because I'm "quiet", and "reserved", and "sweet", and "innocent". Ever since 5th grade people have treated me like a person who's gonna shoot everyone. "You always look sad." "Why don't you ever talk?"

ONE:
My natural face, looks sad. I have big eyes, and natural bags under my eyes [which have been made fun of for the longest.] My mouth curves down and I have a long face. I ALWAYS LOOK SAD. That's how I was born, that's how I will remain. So get the fuck over it.

TWO:
I don't talk because of the way everyone acts when I do. They think I'm weird, they think I'm odd, too hyper, just because I speak my mind. So I don't talk unless someone talks to me first. Also, I am EXTREMELY SHY. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I'm not a fucking emo depressed fuck who's gonna start a school shooting. So, please quit thinking so.

I've had a nice group of close friends for the past few years. Even THEY don't talk to me a lot anymore, because I'm not fitting society's form of "beauty" today.
Is it all really about looks?

At school:

I'm not a rainbow-haired, gore loving, hyper as fuck, weaboo shitface who piles on eyeliner, disobeys dress code, humps everything, wears perfect clothes, doesn't have huge tits or ass, is a "stick", doesn't have black or fucking aqua hair, so I'm automatically forbidden to talk to most of you?
ROFL.
I think it's funny, all the scene fucks or stuck up assholes who reject me or avoid me just because I "make them look bad" because I'm not a scene poser.
I'm not scene, emo, prep, or any of that shit.
I am fucking ME.
I am a stick. I eat like a pig. I'm not gorgeous. I have no tits or ass. I'm not a scene fuck. I'm not pretty. I have a weird as shit personality. I am quiet. I am reserved. I'm not perfect. I think a lot. But guess what?
I have the dick enough to be ME, instead of something everyone else wants to be me.
If you wanna reject me just because I have more balls than you do, feel free to do so, in the end I'll be the one amounting to more and you'll be society's bitch and you'll be STUCK THERE, striving to amount what people want you to be.

So, shove it. Plz.

contentment

2010-01-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

Over the past couple of weeks since I've written I've done a lot and yet so little at the same time. I've been feeling weird, like I'm changing. I'm not happy with a lot in my life and yet I feel like I have a lot locked in and set. I'm not going to get my hopes on and get my heart set just quite yet though. I still have a pretty long ways to go after all. Hoping for so long will only make it worse if they get crushed.

I've been thinking back a lot and I've been able to see from other people's shoes more easily. I've actually been having long, deep conversations with my boyfriend which I haven't been able to do in a long time. He's actually warming up to me and I'm so happy.

.... *knock on wood* lol (:

People whom I never want to see again have been apologizing to me. AKA my ex boyfriend. I don't really like it. I don't like getting apologizes long after I've decided I'll never forgive them. It makes me feel terrible and just annoys me. It's a waste of time and thought. I don't like having to argue points with people when I've argued that same point countless times. Honestly. When is everyone going to leave me alone about him? Seriously. I'm tired of hearing about him, I'm tired of hearing his name. And now he's saying if I ever need to leave I can stay at his house. HAHAHA. In his dreams.

I've argued with people a lot lately. I've been in a really weird state of mind but at the same time I've been really content. Like, I haven't really had anything to be scared of or worried about. Just things to be annoyed at I guess. It's good to just be going along smoothly with everything for once, despite how boring it's been getting lately. I miss hanging out with my friends, a lot. But half of them are grounded XD

I went to Nashville with Bo a couple of weekends ago. It was really cold, and snowing, and I had a pretty good time. I stayed at his house for awhile afterwards, and we watched A Knight's Tale. His mom actually likes me now. It makes me ecstatic that we finally got past all of the pointless hatred and awkwardness. We went to Incredible Pizza for my niece's 6th birthday party this past Saturday, and I swear his mom and my parents talked for hours. I love it. I'm glad that obstacle in my life is out of the way.

.... *knock on wood again* XD

Bo might be going to Job Corps. I'm kind of worried. I hope the distance won't affect us at all. He says it won't, but he's still worried about it. Meh. Paranoia, gets the best of us all. Especially me. lmao.

I'd totally go to Job Corps, but they don't have an art program. They pay you like 40 or 50 dollars every two weeks, and when you graduate they pay you $1200. It's INSANE! It's like working and learning all at the same time. And you have dorm rooms too! It's like college for high school students XD My parents wouldn't go for it though. I guess I'm stuck at Cordova Shithole until I graduate. T___T A sad day for me. haha.

Anyways I guess that's all. Catchyelater. <3

2009 survey. a survey on blogger? weird xD

2010-01-03T21:55:00.000-08:00

Months of 2009:

January:

Did you have a new year's resolution?
i was too perplexed on new years to remember to make one.

Does it snow where you live?
not really, but it did a lot that year.

Do you like hot chocolate?
yes!

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
nope.

February:

Who was your Valentine?
patrick. egh.

When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
hahaha, yeah.

Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
nope.

What did you get for Valentines?
a dog and a box of chocolates.... that I went WITH patrick to buy. horrible isn't it? he forgot my present, so made me go with him and PICK IT OUT. ugh. i hate him.

March:

Are you Irish?
yessss.

Do you wear green every year on St. Patrick's Day?
no. XD

What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2009?
i don't remember.

Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
oh yeah. it's so cold.

April:

Do you like the rain?
sometimes.

Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
not that I can remember.

Do you celebrate 4/20?
hell yesh. XD

May:

What is your favorite flower?
roses and lilacs and lillies and "dog" flowers XD

Is May anything special to you?
school ends! lol. besides that, nu.

June:

What did you do for Fathers Day?
don't remember.

Did you do anything fun during this month?
i had my 15th birthday :3

Have a favorite baseball team?
nope.

July:

What did you do on the 1st of July?
i was pondering....

Did you go to the fireworks?
i don't remember.

Do you tan in the day?
nah.

Anything special happen this month?
i broke up with patrick.... and got together with bo. <3

August:

Did you do anything fun to end the summer?
not that i remember. that summer was magical though.

What was your favorite memory of summer?
the hangouts with friends, the get togethers, getting closer to Bo in june, getting together with him in july.... amazing.

Any birthdays this month?
cheltzie and muah and my great grandmother.

September:

Were you attending school?
yep.

Do you like fall better than summer?
ehhhh. depends on my mood.

Anything special about September to you?
i hate september.

October:

What was your last Halloween costume?
i wasn't anyone in 2008. in 2009 i was a zombie :P and went to the where's waldo hunt! great day.

What is your favorite candy?
skittles, sprees, starburst, ouch gum.

What is your favorite thing about this month?
ehhh, i dunno.

November:

Who's house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
mine. i WAS gonna go to Sweetwater with Bo but I didn't get to.

What is your favorite thing about November?
the closeness i have with everyone. in 2009 i was really close to bo during thanksgiving, even though he was out of town. i loved it.

December:

Do you celebrate Christmas?
yes.

Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
nope.

Do you go to a formal this year?
nope.

- ------------------------------------ --------------------------------

2009: Your Love Life

Did you break up with anyone?
yeah, Patrick. thank GOD

Did you get anything for Valentine's Day?
yes. but i had to pick it out. -_-

Did you meet anyone special?
bo. i didn't particularly meet him in 2009, we MET in 2008, but.... we realized how much we care about each other.

2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
yep. momo! :D and a lot more. XD and i got really close to Josh which is awesome.

Did any of your friendships end?
yeah.

Did you dislike anyone?
oh yeah.

Did you make any new enemies?
yep.

Did you resolve any fights?
eh. resolved it then got right back into it. lol.

Who were your closest friends?
josh, bo, mari, momo, cheltzie, kari, eric.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
yeah.

2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
i don't think so. lol. most of my birthday present was MTAC.

What did you do for your birthday?
hung out with josh, bo, eric, ashley, cheltzie, and patrick.

What was the best thing you got?
a guitar from bo. <3

2009: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
yeah, in good ways and bad.

Did you get your hair cut?
yep. chopped it all off. XD

Did you change your style?
i decided to stop trying to look "cool" and just look how I wanna look.

Were you in school?
yes.

Did you get good grades?
at first. until i met patrick. lol.

Did you move at all?
nope.

Did you go on any vacations?
yes. was the most AMAZING vacation in the entire world, the time of my life, and i will never ever forget it.

Did you leave the country at all?
nope.

2009: Wrap Up

Is 2009 a good year?
mmmm.... more bad than good. but there were PLENTY of good moments.

Do you think 2010 will top 2009?
lets hope so.

If you could relive any moment which would you choose?
Orange Beach. hands down.

I confess that in 2009 I...
( ) stayed single for the whole year
(x) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe

In 2009 I...
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
(x) kissed under the stars
( ) kept your new year’s resolution
( ) forgot your new year’s resolution
(x) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
( ) left the country
( ) almost died
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up till sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
(almost XD) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

With 2009 Coming To an End, Do This and BE HONEST !

1. Have you had any relationships this year?
two. i'm sticking with the one i have now.

2. Have you had your birthday yet?
yes.

3. Kissed two people in the same night?
nope. :3 got kissed by one while i had a boyfriend.. then left my boyfriend. sounds horrible but you'd understand if you heard the story.

4. Pulled an all nighter?
nope

5. Puked at all in 2009?
nope!! :'D

7. Went Camping?
not overnight, but I went to Chickasaw with fatrick.

8. Bought something(s)?
yes.

9. Died?
no XD wtf

10. Been out of the country?
nope.

12. What are you thinking about?
how weird it is that i'm looking forward to school.

oh dear god.

2009-12-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

i have come to the conclusion that i don't think i will ever find anyone on this earth that loves me.

"there's a someone for everyone on this earth..."

no.

she would always say "love is just a game, and i won't be there for you. runaway, you don't want to stay. love is such a waste, i don't want to face the pain that it creates, no, we could never mean anything to me."

quiet.

2009-11-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

just for the record, i am at such a loss for words i have started this blog over 3 times, changing the title twice.
it’s going to be such a loss for the next few years, these last two days of mine aren’t going to be very important nor are they going to be as amazing as i wanted them to be. it’s amazing how all of the best times you have are so short they never even happened and then you’re left again, with nothing to do but think, what the hell?
i believe i threw too much away. i believe things have changed too much, i’ve murdered my family’s perspective on me and i think i’ve ruined my own as well and along with people and more people and so on. i’m wanting so much to have a different life that i don’t even know who i am anymore, neither does anyone else.
i’m taking my life with boredom. it’s not the boredom you get on a rainy day when you can’t go outside with your friend, but the boredom that rips at you so much it physically hurts and you just want someone there with you but you know no one will ever come and then you can’t stop thinking and it results in tears, which doesn’t help any more than being alone.
for the past 3 years i’d complain my ass off about everything that happened, and yet i realize now every single bit of it was my fault, my fault for not thinking about what i was doing or what i was going to do. i’ve basically dug my own grave here and i can’t get out, it’s too late. people tell me to "shut the fuck up" but it’s kindof hard when people say things to you that are so vile i won’t repeat them here.
it’s just as hard when you need someone. someone who’s never there and then you just need to throw them away because it’s a loss and it isn’t worth ripping a huge chunk of time out of your life for. it’s extremely hard when the memories come back and they make you swell up inside but you still can’t cry for the fact people say they’re not worth your tears and you always listen to what people say, because you’re THAT pathetic. it’s so difficult when there’s so much you want to say but you can’t say a damn thing for fear of what people think, you can’t even write it down because the people around you are idiotic and think everything you do is a bloody sin, and so you’re just stuck with you and your brain which isn’t much of a help at all, it just makes things worse to keep it all in!
there’s nothing i can say. i can’t replace all of the things i’ve lost, it was all my fault and i feel such remorse for it that i don’t know what to do anymore. people say there’s a way out, some sort of loop hole, some sort of hole in the logic, but i’m stuck and there isn’t a way to make it better. i promise that. it can get better for a moment, but it won’t stay that way. it’s not going to stay that way and it can’t and i’m just at a loss and i bet whoever’s reading this thinks i’m emo as fuck right now.
well i’m sorry. there’s nowhere else to turn and i’m not trying to sound emo but right now i could care less what people think because none of you know this feeling of need, so strong that you feel like latching onto the closest thing to you until it breaks, and then you have nothing left to hold onto and you just scream until you pass out from lack of oxygen.
it’s that hard.

my worried shoes

2009-11-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

Today was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I hate fighting with my boyfriend. I really do. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I did something wrong.... ugh. oh well.
There was a huge misunderstanding, and then a bunch of emoing. That's really all interesting that has gone on lately. lol. My life is so uneventful it's crazy.
This weekend I'm hoping to like.... get a life and do something worth posting.
Since I fail at posting entertaining blogs, here's a video from like 2007 from when me and my friend Kari thought we were scene XD we made this for our friend <3
I had really long hair. BTW I'm not that hideous anymore lol. I'll post more recent videos soon.

Real fear.

2009-11-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend was in Sweetwater, Tennessee, for 6 or 7 days. When he got home, I had my friend Cheltzie over, we had gone to the mall, when I got back I had a missed call from him, so, I called him back.
He sounded depressed. But we talked for awhile. I asked him what was wrong. "Nothing," he said, "I'll tell you later." I asked if it was about his mom. He said, "Yeah, don't worry about it, I'll tell you later." I started talking to Cheltzie. Then he yells it out.
"We're moving," he says.
My heart sunk. I had never in my life felt such a worse, terrifying feeling than when he told me that.
Back to Knoxville. Or Sweetwater. Over 300 miles away.
The funniest part is, we just repaired things. We were happy. We finally got our relationship straight.
And now, I'm losing the only person that has dealt with my shit for so long in.... well, ever.

I am so scared, and so lost.
What to do, what to do..

expect the unexpected?

2009-10-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

today the person I thought was least likely to help me, helped me. It was nice to have someone else say something for once instead of me doing it all myself. Maybe I took all the people over there the wrong way. Maybe they really do see good in us, and maybe they really are looking out to keep us strong as possible.
If you don't understand what I'm talking about... good. you're not supposed to. (:

I just feel weird lately. I'm not going to brag about being happy, and I'm not going to complain about being sad. I'm trying to let things restore to the way they were. So I'm just not going to say anything about anything at all. I am going to say, though, that I hope this weekend will be as fun as I'm planning on it being. I could really use a good time for once this school year. lol.

Isn't it funny how old things will bother the hell out of you? Like, my ex boyfriend, he pays so much attention to his new girlfriend, not anything like he did with me. I don't understand. I dealt with his shit for 11 months, only to find out I meant nothing? I really hate that. I went through so much with him and his family, and they kinda don't care anymore. whatever. I don't care. He'll regret the way he treated me one day. I just kindof hate how much it makes me mad, especially when I see her in the hallways, I'm just like, ugg, why do you get the treatment I wanted so badly and you don't even have to try?
I don't like him anymore. Hell no. I just really hate that it meant nothing to him, just because something silly happened. That also pisses me off, people were telling me today that I still liked him. Just... ew.
I am quite nostalgic of his family, however. I miss them so, so, so, so much. I miss my second mom and my second sisters and my whole entire second family. I love them and I'm sorry if I made them mad.

Anyways, enough of the depressing stuff. I will get by this fall and winter fine, hopefully. No more nostalgia. I just need to have fun.
I am exhausted, and am going to go to bed. Night.

toodles

♥ ameh

today I discovered a thing

2009-10-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

called hope. I was laying here crying my eyes out for no reason. Then I went to sleep. I didn't dream at all. Didn't have any strange epiphany or anything. but when I woke up, I went to eat, drink, and just sat here. I talked to an old friend, who has been there for me even when I didn't tell him what was wrong. And there was a tone in my boyfriend's voice that things will be normal again soon. I can't explain it. But the way I feel right now, is a way I haven't felt since I was a kid.

To put it simply. Despite all the shit that goes on in my life. all the worry, home life, loneliness, doubt. I'm alive. and thriving. That's the greatest thing I can get right now. Everyone else should feel the same way.
Oh wow. I sound corny.

Anyways. I spent most of my day sleeping today. or playing Wind Waker. I'm really tired even though I've been up for only 3 hours. I think I can finally sleep, with nothing on my heart. It probably won't last long though, so I'm not going to brag. haha. Tomorrow is a B day. Ugh. I HATE my B days. No friends in lunch, study hall, ENGLISH WITH MRS. WOOD OH GOD--

...................
I FORGOT TO DO MY EXHIBITION WORK FOR MRS. WOOD OSHIIII-
T______T
My partners are going to kill me. lol.

Anyways, I'm tired, I'm gonna chug me some Gatorade and go to bed.

peace

♥ ameh

mmmm 6 am

2009-10-26T04:21:00.000-07:00

I usually don't get up until 6:30. I'll lay in my bed pretending to be awake [but actually being kinda asleep] then get up once I heard the Pokemon theme song lawl. fail. I'm gonna be tired now. D:

MTAC is in 6 months! BLAH! I can't wait! <3333 My escape from everything. my funtime. my love <3333 I was so happy there last year. Like so so so so so happy, despite that Patrick would call me going "YOU'RE CHEATING! I HEAR A LOT OF GUYS" [oh... I'm at a con that has THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, PATRICK =____=]
Heeeeee ^-^ Ok. Excitement spasm over.
mm I hate school <3 but at least it's an A day. I like my A days. except Spanish. It's boring. I do not like my B days. bleh..... I had a lot of friends in all my classes last year, but this year I only have friends in a few of my classes, and the rest are just poopy boring. :c and Patrick had a party yesterday.... lol.... I miss those parties.

ANYWAYS. I'm getting nostalgic again. so I need to go. plus. Pokemon is on. TIME TO GET READAY 8D

peace bruh

♥ amy

we're battleships, drifting in our wee river

2009-10-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

September, October, November and December, these are the times of year I start getting really nostalgic. They're really good points in my life. This time last year, I was with my ex boyfriend, who treated me like shit, but at that point in my life things were fantastic.

We'd always run to Walgreens and get food to eat when we got back while we watched movies, or we'd go to Shnucks just to be somewhere. We had parties a lot, he lived up the street from me. They were sober parties of course [sometimes... his friends were potheads] and they were just fantastic. We would stay up all night, playing XBOX 360 back and forth, making a buncha Mexican food, going out in the snow at 3 AM, I just miss it. I don't miss him, but I miss having fun, and being out of this hell hole of a house all the time. His mom loved me, I'd always go up there at dinner time and just sit with them, watching them make jokes and stuff.... I was there during the best times, and during the worst times. We'd watch movies with our friends real late at night, even on school nights. It was just great having somewhere to go. It really sucks sitting at home all the time again.

Ok, enough of my rambling. This weekend was really boring. I was supposed to hang out with my boyfriend, or with Cheltzie. but I couldn't. I'm hopefully gonna hang out with Bo today, but I really doubt it. If he hasn't called by now, his mom isn't going to let him, unless he's still asleep. Bleh. And after this, I can't see him for 2 weeks, cause he's going to Sweetwater next weekend, and we can never see each other on school days. Bleh.

Well, I'm gonna go hop in the shower, and hope to God I can do something today.

toodles

♥ ameh

Yay, new layout and stuff

2009-10-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

It's like 3 PM, and I've been working on this new layout since like 1. I'm finally done. XD Wooow. hahaha. I had to re-do the coding a lot, but strangely, it was fun. I might do this more often, for people or something. O:
I've been looking back on old music I used to listen to, and wow, that stuff is so nostalgic. XD The song playing on my profile now is "Battleships" by Travis, and I haven't listened to it since like, 2006 or 2007. I really love nostalgia sometimes, though, unless it's about something you've lost.
So, people really confuse me. Me and my boyfriend had been drifting apart for like a few weeks now, and we actually had a decent conversation on the phone last night without complete silence, and now he's like doting on me. It's really weird. I wish people weren't so indecisive about their feelings all the time. @___@ But, I'm happy now.... for once.... *knock on wood* don't wanna jinx that.... <.<
I'm gonna call Cheltzie, and see if we can hang out! 8D! HAPPYFACE!
I want another zebra cake.... O:

toodles

♥ ameh

Nothing to say

2009-10-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

GAH. I just got done uploading a video to YouTube, it took like 2 hours, and it got rejected for being 19 minutes long. I thought directors could upload videos longer than 10 minutes? =____= how annoying.
So, I've basically been spending my school year doing nothing so far. Usually I see my boyfriend on weekends. But I don't think he really cares about me anymore. I hate my school. It's so contradictory. hahaha. I wish I could go to a school where all my friends are. I'd be a lot happier.
I don't really have much to say. My life isn't very eventful. I'll post something more later, I'm busy trying to convert this .mov file right now. Lol.

Peace,

♥ ameh