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welcome
I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Sunday, December 27, 2020, 3:31 PM
A lot of things have happened lately, however
Right now I need to address one thing, one thing that I've strangely never mentioned in this blog. I guess you could call it my "deepest darkest secret", the thing I am most ashamed of but one thing that influences me a lot and consumes a lot of my time: Arguing on the internet.
It is a problem that I have had longer than I care to admit. I can remember being 11, 12 years old on GaiaOnline and arguing with people about the existence of God. As I approach 30 years old, I find it shameful and disappointing that I still have so much attachment to the internet, and so much uncontrollable desire to argue with people on here. It never benefits me and I always end up regretting it, so I don't know why I do it. I am kind of hoping that talking about it will be the catalyst to allow be to begin to stop. There have been points where I go a decent amount of time without doing it, and I always feel better, but I always end up going back to it. Why are things that are good for us so hard to do? Why is it so hard to stop doing things that are bad for us?
Maybe these thoughts are just fuelled by whiskey and coke, and I don't drink liquor a lot. However, even this morning I was arguing with people on Facebook about Covid. There have been many days where I start my day by arguing on the internet. Those days, I usually end up being kind of cranky or on edge. I'm very aware of how bad it makes me feel, but it's SO HARD to resist the urge to look at stupid comments, which then creates the urge to respond. This is a part of me that I really want to get rid of and replace with something more positive. Ever since I started therapy and left Hatfield (something that needs its own post tbh) I am feeling like a totally different person, in good and bad ways. I am realising how many toxic behaviors I need to unlearn in order to become the person I want and need to be.
It's difficult to even come to the conclusion that you have some toxic behaviors. In way too many ways, I am very toxic to myself. I have been by biggest enemy and a very successful self saboteur since I was like, 13 years old. I appreciate my therapist more than she will ever know for opening the door to allow myself to realize these things. I haven't gone to her in awhile, but maybe I should again soon. I found myself in a place where I didn't know what to say to her anymore, which I guess is a good thing. I apologize to my future self for not documenting my experiences with my therapist more on here, or really more in general. I have been in ineffable throes of depression and anxiety for a long time, but I am finding myself in a place where I can see a way to start managing it. I can't keep expecting it to go away, that's not going to happen. It's a part of me that I have to embrace, accept, learn to live with, and cope with.
I'll write more soon. For now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Christmas weekend and play some video games. Much love.
