profile
journal
links
archives
welcome
I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Saturday, October 31, 2015, 10:14 AM
To know your flaws
I blinked, and then suddenly I was here.
Once again, I have made the infamous Amy McGovern mistake of being in a relationship, obtaining feelings for someone else, exiting said relationship and instantaneously delving into a new one. Oy vey, will I ever learn? Probably not, but oh well. Life is life and things happen. I tried to make it work. While I know he really cared, and it was a really meaningful relationship, my mind was on other things.
I am now currently graced by the presence of my closest, dearest male friend. Surprisingly, he's never been mentioned in this blog. Probably because normally, the only time I write on here is when I'm sad or someone has hurt me. Daniel has never done either of those things. He's always been an entity in my life that exhausted nothing but positivity and support. That, and he was in California for two years so there was a lot of time where I didn't spend time with him, but I digress. Things are pretty okay right now. I'm still trying to do right by myself/everyone around me and do what's right. I have an awesome job as an auditor/international account manager at a supply chain solutions company making $11 an hour, and my car is still working (for now). I worry a lot about a lot of things, but I feel like life is good right now other than all that. It's Halloween, I'm gonna go to an awesome party tonight, and it'll be fun. I'm also off on weekends now, which is just freaking amazing. It almost feels like being in high school again.
Over the time that I wasn't posting on here a lot, I tried magic mushrooms for the first time. Needless to say, it was single-handedly the most incredible thing I've ever experienced. I tried them with Daniel, when we were still only friends of course. It wasn't just "getting fucked up" or "tripping balls" or whatever. It was a magical experience. It was mentally healing. I felt no anxiety or fear of anything, and I had this unspoken understanding of the universe, humanity and everything around me. All my problems and fears seemed small and insignificant. It also definitely connected me with Daniel on an entirely new level. Like we were sharing our souls with each other and experiencing all these amazing revelations together. It was just like pure euphoria [which is actually what psilobybin is] and it definitely altered my outlook on life as well. I've become more interested in spiritual things, the universe and its vastness, and what all could be out there. I'm more interested in humanity and how our lives and minds work. I would like to say I'm more humble, I feel that way at least. I feel like it matured me a little, too. That was a neat little thing to share. I really think the stigma against psychedelics should be eradicated, and that everyone should try them at least once in their life if they're mentally stable enough to be able to handle it. It's really an eye-opener.
Drawing has become something that is rare, and something that I almost loathe. I stare at my sketchbooks with disdain and get extremely frustrated anytime that I try to draw something. Same thing goes for writing. I feel like I've lost all creative flow in me. I hope this isn't permanent; I'm hoping that as I grow older and overcome more obstacles within myself that it will come back to me. I've been pretty self-loathing for the past 2-3 years, and I feel like that has a lot to do with why I don't enjoy things I used to love anymore. On the bright side, however, I feel like over the past 6 years since I started writing in this blog that I have gained a good amount of self-awareness. I know a lot of things about myself now that I didn't back then, and I can recognize my problems and explain them clearly even though I haven't quite figured out how to cope with them/overcome them yet. It's a pretty good feeling. Sometimes I wonder if maybe my maturing and self awareness is what's making me lose my flare for the creative arts. I hope that's not the case, because I still get lots of great ideas. I just can't surface them to reality, unfortunately. I lack the talent and practice. Hopefully, I'll get the drive to change that soon.
Another thing that's been different lately is that I haven't cared as much about people that were once my friends. I'm a very sentimental/nostalgic person that normally has a hard time tying up loose ends. I always want to go revisit people that used to be important to me, and look back on how I used to look/think. That was partially the intention of this blog, so I could look back on it one day. This blog has kind of become something for just myself, and self-reflection. It's interesting to see how my own mindset can change over the years. Anyways, I digress again. While several months ago I was upset about Kari, I've started to not care. Nick contacted me for the first time in a very long time the other day, and I have no desire to talk to him. It's very liberating to feel this way. I am learning to like the logical, righteous person I am becoming. Trying to do right by myself/others and go with what is honest and factual. It takes a lot off of your conscience. I think more people should open their minds and think this way, instead of ignorantly hiding behind their own beliefs and being numb to other thoughts and ideas. Humans are really incredible creatures and I feel like without all the ignorance, hatred and corruption in the world that we could be really powerful if we all combined our minds. I hope this is something that can be accomplished one day. This is a truly amazing world to live in, and it would be a shame for it to all go to waste or be destroyed because we could never see our errors. We're so flawed but so incredible. It's really something to ponder.
I'm going to try to start writing on here more. I'm starting to feel like a new me, in a good way, and I want to have a record of my thoughtfulness. I think so much, and I'm beginning to always want to write it down. Happy Halloween, everyone have a safe and awesome night.
