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I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Tuesday, June 4, 2013, 5:13 PM
I love you so. But why I love you, I'll never know
I'm tired of romance plaguing my life. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, I can't really go longer than a month without some fucked up love octagon entering my life and I'm left with so many decisions to make and so many things to say, but I let myself get sucked into it. I'm tired of worrying about boys. I don't want to like anyone, I don't want to fall in love, and I don't want a relationship to weigh me down. My feelings for Nick have shriveled up into suppressed loathing that I would rather not delve into. And now I can't stop thinking about Griff.
I have no reason to like Griff other than he says nice things to me. He's not the only guy that does that, though, so why him? Why does my heart always feel the need to instantly rebound after I end something? I feel weak and pathetic because I can't keep my heart where it should be. It jumps out of my chest and clings onto people.. usually the wrong people. All of this love junk is so stressful, I don't want a part of it. That's difficult, however..
The other day, I met up with Cody at Zadie park and we talked. I didn't think that day would come in a million years. I'm surprised I didn't yell at him or hit him. That's how I always imagined it would go whenever I would think about it. We talked it out though, and he answered all my questions, and we even caught up. I feel like I'm betraying myself by being, I guess, "friends" with him.. but I think I'd rather have it this way than loathe him for "ruining my life" like I always claim he did. Now I'm on good terms with every person I was involved with and I have closure [well.. except Nick.. but I don't want to even hear that name right now].
I feel like in some aspects of life, things are going really well. I can drive, I have an incredible social life, good friends, and I've even been feeling good about finding a job soon. However, my financial situation and my family situation are going downhill. I don't want my mom, dad, or sister to have to go to jail. I wish they would just understand what they need to do and do it, instead of trying to put everything off and pretend they are invincible. I'm ready to see some change in this house, or get the hell out and live on my own. I wanna do that regardless, though. I'm so ready to be an adult, I'm tired of my family being my #1 concern. As mean as it sounds, I need to focus on myself. My family has caused me so much stress in my life, they need to fight their own battles just like I need to fight my own.
I'm teetering on the brink of happiness but I just can't reach it yet.
