we're sick for the big sun

welcome

I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.

I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.

Friday, November 20, 2009, 7:47 PM

quiet.

just for the record, i am at such a loss for words i have started this blog over 3 times, changing the title twice.
it’s going to be such a loss for the next few years, these last two days of mine aren’t going to be very important nor are they going to be as amazing as i wanted them to be. it’s amazing how all of the best times you have are so short they never even happened and then you’re left again, with nothing to do but think, what the hell?
i believe i threw too much away. i believe things have changed too much, i’ve murdered my family’s perspective on me and i think i’ve ruined my own as well and along with people and more people and so on. i’m wanting so much to have a different life that i don’t even know who i am anymore, neither does anyone else.
i’m taking my life with boredom. it’s not the boredom you get on a rainy day when you can’t go outside with your friend, but the boredom that rips at you so much it physically hurts and you just want someone there with you but you know no one will ever come and then you can’t stop thinking and it results in tears, which doesn’t help any more than being alone.
for the past 3 years i’d complain my ass off about everything that happened, and yet i realize now every single bit of it was my fault, my fault for not thinking about what i was doing or what i was going to do. i’ve basically dug my own grave here and i can’t get out, it’s too late. people tell me to "shut the fuck up" but it’s kindof hard when people say things to you that are so vile i won’t repeat them here.
it’s just as hard when you need someone. someone who’s never there and then you just need to throw them away because it’s a loss and it isn’t worth ripping a huge chunk of time out of your life for. it’s extremely hard when the memories come back and they make you swell up inside but you still can’t cry for the fact people say they’re not worth your tears and you always listen to what people say, because you’re THAT pathetic. it’s so difficult when there’s so much you want to say but you can’t say a damn thing for fear of what people think, you can’t even write it down because the people around you are idiotic and think everything you do is a bloody sin, and so you’re just stuck with you and your brain which isn’t much of a help at all, it just makes things worse to keep it all in!
there’s nothing i can say. i can’t replace all of the things i’ve lost, it was all my fault and i feel such remorse for it that i don’t know what to do anymore. people say there’s a way out, some sort of loop hole, some sort of hole in the logic, but i’m stuck and there isn’t a way to make it better. i promise that. it can get better for a moment, but it won’t stay that way. it’s not going to stay that way and it can’t and i’m just at a loss and i bet whoever’s reading this thinks i’m emo as fuck right now.
well i’m sorry. there’s nowhere else to turn and i’m not trying to sound emo but right now i could care less what people think because none of you know this feeling of need, so strong that you feel like latching onto the closest thing to you until it breaks, and then you have nothing left to hold onto and you just scream until you pass out from lack of oxygen.
it’s that hard.