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welcome
I'm Amy. I'm growing up. And this is my past, present, and future.
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you'll come for the people like me.
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories.
profile
My name is Amy. I'm a Gemini. I'm 25 years old. I'm a struggling artist, and an overly opinionated martyr of my beliefs. My past experiences, no matter how petty or dramatic they were, molded me into who I am today. I'm still changing every day.
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make things in photoshop [such as this blogger layout]. I also love music; I dabble in piano a little bit. I only know how to play other songs, of course. Nothing original. I like to write as well. Pretty much anything that involves the arts is something I enjoy doing. It gets me through the day and gives me a chance to express myself.
I have many friends who have come and gone, some who are even enemies now. Regardless, they've taught me a lot. I've learned to be more humble, tolerant, and kind, but also I've learned things like never to trust anyone completely off the bat, and to usually expect the worst. I'm generally pretty pessimistic and I think irrationally, but that's a nasty habit I'm trying to break. My intentions are good. That's something I must always remind myself and everyone else of. I have anxiety but I'm learning to control it better every day. This time a year ago it was impossible for me to socialize, but nowadays it's easier. Time mends everything.
I'm not really good at these self-describing things anymore. If you want to know me, ask me yourself. :3
Saturday, February 28, 2026, 4:59 AM
Epiphany
Hello, old friend.
It's been a long time.
So much has happened to me in the past 2 years, I don't even know where to begin. I've undergone the most painful, but necessary, changes I've ever gone through. Looking back on all these posts in this blog from the past 15 years has given me a lot of insight and has been crucial for my self discovery and development the past few years.
I finally got the help I needed, but it took a lot for it to finally happen. The last post I made on here was admitting I cheated on Daniel, and that was still really fresh. I was extremely upset when I wrote that. I can't believe it's already been 2 years.
I don't feel the need to write here anymore, so this will be my last post here. This blog has helped me so much, but I've moved beyond the need for it. I am older now, and I have people in my life.
Much love.
Saturday, October 1, 2022, 9:37 PM
stupid
I cheated on Daniel, because I am stupid. I did it with Nick of all people. It's almost been a month since I've seen Daniel and I miss him. I miss him so much. I'm living alone in the house we were in together and it's weird. I don't know if I'm going to be able to afford living alone, but I'm going to try. If my savings start to deplete too much, then I'm going to have to figure something else out. I don't know if Daniel and I are right for each other, but I know what I did was wrong and I should have agreed to couples therapy when he suggested it. I have never been more disappointed in myself, especially since I did this 10 years ago and it affected me so deeply I told myself I would never do it again. Yet, here I am, having done it again. Daniel didn't deserve this, and I feel like garbage. Our 7 year anniversary would have been this month. I feel like that makes it worse. I don't know if I miss him because I really want him back, or just because I have only spent 3 months of my life single in the past 14 years. I know that's something that will take me longer than a few weeks to navigate. I have never felt so alone, though. The silence in this house is so loud. Evenings and nights are the hardest. Nothing feels right and life feels pointless. I don't know why I always do this to myself. I can't keep talking about this right now. Goodnight.
Monday, February 7, 2022, 7:32 PM
grief
Bo is dead.
He died on February 1st, 2022.
I've felt so lost and alone. I look back on the things I wrote here and cringe. It makes me want to delete this blog. How could I let someone like John come between me and someone who really loves me. I know I was only 17, but I'm just really upset. I loved Bo so much.
I am exhausted... I have to stop.. goodnight.
Tuesday, January 25, 2022, 7:47 PM
One year later. Looking back on 2020 and 2021
It's been over a year since my last entry. That also means it's been one year at my new job. It's been great, I have absolutely no complaints about the job. I've also worked at home for the majority of that time, so yeah, it can't really get any better than that.
I noticed that I only made 2 entries in 2020 and they were both in December. I'm kind of surprised I didn't write more. A lot happened in 2020. I didn't even mention the pandemic or anything. I should really utilize this blog more, it's always helped me work through my thoughts and feelings. I almost forgot the e-mail I use for this which really would have sucked.
I'm shocked I never mentioned the pandemic, but yeah, since the beginning of 2020 there has been a pandemic. Covid-19. At this point, it just feels like a normal part of life. It's only been 2 years, but it feels like a lifetime. Pre-pandemic life seems weird now. I'll see a video of a concert or large gathering from before covid and just automatically think, "NO ONE IS WEARING A MASK". After avoiding it all this time, Daniel and I got it over Christmas. It sucked. We're okay now though.
Ugh, I want to write more but I'm so tired. But I also don't want to leave this in my drafts for months. I'm just gonna publish this. I'll write more soon.
Sunday, December 27, 2020, 3:31 PM
A lot of things have happened lately, however
Right now I need to address one thing, one thing that I've strangely never mentioned in this blog. I guess you could call it my "deepest darkest secret", the thing I am most ashamed of but one thing that influences me a lot and consumes a lot of my time: Arguing on the internet.
It is a problem that I have had longer than I care to admit. I can remember being 11, 12 years old on GaiaOnline and arguing with people about the existence of God. As I approach 30 years old, I find it shameful and disappointing that I still have so much attachment to the internet, and so much uncontrollable desire to argue with people on here. It never benefits me and I always end up regretting it, so I don't know why I do it. I am kind of hoping that talking about it will be the catalyst to allow be to begin to stop. There have been points where I go a decent amount of time without doing it, and I always feel better, but I always end up going back to it. Why are things that are good for us so hard to do? Why is it so hard to stop doing things that are bad for us?
Maybe these thoughts are just fuelled by whiskey and coke, and I don't drink liquor a lot. However, even this morning I was arguing with people on Facebook about Covid. There have been many days where I start my day by arguing on the internet. Those days, I usually end up being kind of cranky or on edge. I'm very aware of how bad it makes me feel, but it's SO HARD to resist the urge to look at stupid comments, which then creates the urge to respond. This is a part of me that I really want to get rid of and replace with something more positive. Ever since I started therapy and left Hatfield (something that needs its own post tbh) I am feeling like a totally different person, in good and bad ways. I am realising how many toxic behaviors I need to unlearn in order to become the person I want and need to be.
It's difficult to even come to the conclusion that you have some toxic behaviors. In way too many ways, I am very toxic to myself. I have been by biggest enemy and a very successful self saboteur since I was like, 13 years old. I appreciate my therapist more than she will ever know for opening the door to allow myself to realize these things. I haven't gone to her in awhile, but maybe I should again soon. I found myself in a place where I didn't know what to say to her anymore, which I guess is a good thing. I apologize to my future self for not documenting my experiences with my therapist more on here, or really more in general. I have been in ineffable throes of depression and anxiety for a long time, but I am finding myself in a place where I can see a way to start managing it. I can't keep expecting it to go away, that's not going to happen. It's a part of me that I have to embrace, accept, learn to live with, and cope with.
I'll write more soon. For now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Christmas weekend and play some video games. Much love.
Wednesday, December 2, 2020, 1:27 PM
Today
Today I quit my job that has been making me miserable for years.
I am both scared and relieved.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019, 12:37 PM
who am I?
I used to think I was depressed, now I realized I was just sad. Depression is a monster I could have never comprehended.
I struggle just to exist from day to day and be okay.
I think about suicide more often and more seriously as time goes on.
I don't enjoy anything I used to, all I wanna do is not be sober.
Therapy isn't helping.
fml
